Marriage Epiphany
This will probably end up sounding more like a personal or friendship (Katie) epiphany than a marriage one. But it's what's been on my mind lately - so I'm giving it a go!
The 'grass is greener' phenomenom...We've all heard of it and undoubtedly we've all experienced it from time to time.
Well, I've got it going on strong these days. My newly single friend, Katie, has had a very successful first few weeks as a single gal. She is confident that her break-up was a good decision and for the best. She's even found herself dating a new guy that is CRAZY about her!
This got me thinking of a few things...How she is stronger than I ever was when Tim & my relationship would get rough and I would consider ending it, but never could partly for the fear of being alone and having to start over after all the work I/we had put into it. Now, in reality, it was more the faith I had in us getting through pretty much anything together that would keep us together.
All's well that ends well, and I keep telling myself that as my mind has been drifting in the "what would have been" thinking. Sometimes I just can't help but think that I rolled over and took the beating for some of the hard times Tim & I had. (Metaphorical beating of course!) I do realize that is not the case, since I certainly always spoke my mind and didn't make anything easier on Tim.
But I don't feel that Tim ever suffered as much as I did. I am a power hungry and equality driven person so that is a tough pill for me to swallow.
The grass seems greener in Katie's yard because she's got this new guy who is crazy about her. Of course, she sees my "green grass" in that I have a man who loves me and will be spending his life with me, but let's face it - after nearly five years together, Tim is not at all *crazy* for me!
So I can't help but envy Katie in that I wonder if there'd be a guy out there who'd be crazy for me. Or wonder why Tim never WAS *crazy* for me. It took him a long time to have strong feelings for me...
Now of course, let's flip the table. I know Katie is at times envious that I am married and settled down making life plans. I'm sure if I were single right now, all I'd be thinking of is wanting to be in a serious relationship and settle down.
I guess you could say I'm experiencing the post-wedding jitters - not in the matter of marrying Tim, but just in *being* married. I've been having such strong flashbacks to high school, college, drum corps and the beginning months of Tim & my relationship.
What this has all made me think about is that while I may sometimes want what I am past being able to have anymore, I will always stand by my decision to be where I am today - married to Tim. I wanted it for a long time before it happened, and even way back 5 years ago I was "done" with the single life and looking forward to a real relationship, and it just so happened!
Just as I'm sure once we have children - we'll be sick with envy of our childless friends, even though *now I am envious of our friends/family with children!
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4 comments:
WOW!!! So many things to say!! This was a really great epiphany post!
Let's see, first of all I agree with everything you mentioned, and have observed about our mutual situations.
And I ALSO think it's funny that you used the word "Crazy" in reference to this new manfriend. Because he's got a touch of the crazy I think ;) But yeah, here I am looking over in your yard and you do NOT have to deal with all the complication that goes along with breaking up/dating again/trust issues/etc. You're comfy cozy in your nice world where you KNOW someone who loves you for you, the good and the bad (like I said in my wedding toast!!!!) Sometimes someone who is "crazy" for you is overrated. All I want in life is a guy who loves me enough to want to be with me without having a PANIC ATTACK about it jeez. Because honestly? I'm not that scary.
And with that said, you don't have to feel that I was stronger because I was "confident that the breakup was a good decision" because I really had no choice. Even during your issues with Tim, he really did love you and want to spend his life with you. John? Not so much. He did NOT want to spend his life with me, so therefore all I could do was break it off otherwise I really WOULD be that girl who just "rolls over" ;)
In the end though, you're right...grass is greener. We'll always be envious of everyone else for one reason or another. A little envy isn't bad, I mean envy makes us progressive, i.e., "I'm jealous of Karen's new job, I think I'm gonna get me one of those too..." We just have to make sure we chickity check before we wrickity wreck. Never take the good stuff we have for granted! So one the one hand, you'll be laying on your grass "I'm glad I have someone who loves me even if it isn't fireworks and explosions every day" and I'll sit on MY grass "I'm glad I have a chance to start over with someone new even if it's scary."
Yay!
Yay! I'm glad you liked it! It was really hard to write those thoughts because it just kept sounding like I was miserable!! But glad you understood it.
What's funny about that whole "crazy" talk - is that I started writing this like early last week - so before jeremy's *crazies showed up...so by the time I typed up this blog - I was a little less envious of your yard ;)
I liked picturing us laying in our yards next door to each other!!!!
COZY!
Except now I saw a job listing that was sent to me from careerbuilder for Communications Mgr at the Hoffman Estates park district! Yes, as in a 5minute WALK from where we live...doing marketing, PR, and sponsorships, etc. ARGH! Where was this one 3 months ago!?!?
GOOO!!! Really?? Well apply for it anyway I say! Maybe? BAH!
But that will further separate us from having our yards next to each other ;)
I totally understand this too Monica. I've been there so many times, since we got married AND had a child so early! We just sort of did what we did whe we did it, so to speak! But we often think about friends that are well in to their careers, making good money, buying homes, etc... I never really gave myself a chance to have a "career". And Josh is just getting started with his now. I think it's just a normal thought process that happens after you get married and all of the excitement is over and reality sets in.
I had a lot of those thoughts after we got married, and it took me awhile to appreciate the richness and complexity of marriage and our relationship. There is a reason why you put so much "work" into your relationship with Tim and real relationships require hard work. Which is obviously where Katie saw that John wasn't serious because he wasn't willing to put that much effort into it. It shows a lot of strength and faith in your relationship that you two are willing to work for it and didn't just give up. The "grass is always greener" syndrome can drive you crazy if you think too much!
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