MoniKitchen
Chili!
That's Hilaaarious
Anniversary Party silliness - watching "Knocked Up" and referencing it all weekend long!
Good Talk
We've had a few of these and we'll have many many more in the coming months and beyond. Our first baby talks were mainly our living and financial situation. But reality set in and we decided it was easiest and smartest to just stay put in our condo for the time being and in this economy. Maybe in a year we'll be able to save up a little and the housing market will be better.
Then our talks moved to daycare and more money matters. It's going to be tight, but we'll have to make it work somehow like so many other new parents do!
Marriage Epiphany
Well, here we are! We made it through the first year of marriage. We've grown and we've learned a lot about marriage and ourselves. As we stand here at our 1-Year Anniversary, we are not free of bumps and bruises - that is for sure. There were some dark lows, that for awhile seemed impossible to recover from. There were laughs, "awww" moments, some good food - and we refused to become an "old married couple" who disappears from the social scene. (Although now with Silly Baby coming on the scene, that may become the case!!!)
In these 365 days since I donned my Oleg Cassini princess wedding gown and Tim was packaged in a handsome tux, we have truly made a full 360.
November 17, 2007 was a sigh of relief sort of day. A day we had finally made it. Our love was official and we were now husband and wife. November 17, 2008 we have just broken the news and gotten used to the idea that we will soon be parents!!!
So from newlyweds to new parents, Tim and I are leaping onto the next milestone in our life together. From fresh out of college 22-year olds who met at a wedding and just wanted to go out every weekend and sleep off the hangovers 'til 2pm the next day - to here we are...
On our now unofficial 6-year anniversary of May 31, 2009 - we will be two married adults in our 2nd year of marriage - becoming parents!
I've learned that in our lives, we can be many things to many people and many different times. We are born a son or daughter, sister or brother. We can be a student, a classmate, a coworker, a fellow member, a teammate, a friend. But the two most important people you can become to someone else is a husband or a wife, and a mother or a father.
Happy One-Year Anniversary, Tim. I love you! Here's to a lifetime more...
To all my loyal readers, this brings this blogfest to close.
Please join us in our next chapter: http://www.oursillybaby.blogspot.com/
Showing posts with label Marriage Epiphany. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage Epiphany. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
MONTH #11: September 18 - October 17, 2008
MoniKitchen
Chorizo Carbonara
Ummm, I googled this recipe - but now can't find it. Soo, if you're interested I suggest you just google it? meh.
Humor
Just in general, we had a good time goofing around at Billy's wedding with Josh & Tina, etc.
Good Talk
Ok, so who knows why this got to me SO much. But at Billy & Jenn's rehearsal dinner - Billy gave a little speech and read a poem to Jenn and then they exchanged gifts. She got him so famous collectible guitar and he got her big 'ol diamond earrings.
So this made me think about how Tim & I didn't give each other gifts, b/c it would be another expense at come time for our wedding, we were pretty much maxed out. And at the time it seemed like a logical thought, but now it just bummed me out and was another reminder of how strapped we are and how so many other people are so much better off.
On my car ride home, and Tim went to stay with Billy & Guido, he called me and I spoke to the above points. But it was that type of conversation where I didn't want to have a conversation, I wanted to vent. So not much was resolved that night. The next morning Tim called me, and we did talk more about it. And of course nothing was resolved, but it helped to sorta get it out there.
Marriage Epiphany
Things are going to happen in a marriage that you can't control. You can't control another person, much less everything that happens to them. You also can't completely control your luck and the way the chips fall.
A marriage needs to be viewed as an us vs. the world rather than a me vs. him. I spent the entire summer in the latter category and unless you're planning on a divorce, it's no way to live in a marriage. So I swallowed that pill and tried to see the sunny side of certain things. Saw that Tim & I are still best friends and always will be and we'll always be able to make each other laugh and have "obsessions". It's "the world" that gets in the way, and really knocks you down. And that's what happened in the past few months. It may happen again. The world is bound to knock us down again. Hopefully someday we'll get a little break and the world will lift us up and things will fall into place. Until then, it's a battle. But it's a battle much easier fought together, than against each other.
Chorizo Carbonara
Ummm, I googled this recipe - but now can't find it. Soo, if you're interested I suggest you just google it? meh.
Humor
Just in general, we had a good time goofing around at Billy's wedding with Josh & Tina, etc.
Good Talk
Ok, so who knows why this got to me SO much. But at Billy & Jenn's rehearsal dinner - Billy gave a little speech and read a poem to Jenn and then they exchanged gifts. She got him so famous collectible guitar and he got her big 'ol diamond earrings.
So this made me think about how Tim & I didn't give each other gifts, b/c it would be another expense at come time for our wedding, we were pretty much maxed out. And at the time it seemed like a logical thought, but now it just bummed me out and was another reminder of how strapped we are and how so many other people are so much better off.
On my car ride home, and Tim went to stay with Billy & Guido, he called me and I spoke to the above points. But it was that type of conversation where I didn't want to have a conversation, I wanted to vent. So not much was resolved that night. The next morning Tim called me, and we did talk more about it. And of course nothing was resolved, but it helped to sorta get it out there.
Marriage Epiphany
Things are going to happen in a marriage that you can't control. You can't control another person, much less everything that happens to them. You also can't completely control your luck and the way the chips fall.
A marriage needs to be viewed as an us vs. the world rather than a me vs. him. I spent the entire summer in the latter category and unless you're planning on a divorce, it's no way to live in a marriage. So I swallowed that pill and tried to see the sunny side of certain things. Saw that Tim & I are still best friends and always will be and we'll always be able to make each other laugh and have "obsessions". It's "the world" that gets in the way, and really knocks you down. And that's what happened in the past few months. It may happen again. The world is bound to knock us down again. Hopefully someday we'll get a little break and the world will lift us up and things will fall into place. Until then, it's a battle. But it's a battle much easier fought together, than against each other.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
MONTH #9: July 18 - August 17, 2008
MoniKitchen
Margarita Slush
-8 C water
-1 1/2 C sugar
Heat in large pot and dissolve. Let cool.
-12 oz can frozen lemonade
-12 oz can frozen limeade
-1 1/2 C tequila
-1 C triple sec
Mix together and freeze.
Serve in margarita glasses!
Will You Go Out With Me?
La Magdalena and then went to see Pineapple Express for Tim's birthday.
That's Hilarious
Katie saying she wanted to have sex with Tiger Woods on a bed of money - and Tim hearing it as bed of monkeys!
Good Talk
We've been discussing the reality of where recent events are taking us. With Tim getting the job at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange that is only part-time and not paying well, but wanting to go back to school that CME will pay for, we had to figure out what this means for us financially and for our marriage as a whole. It's still just a day at a time, so we'll have to adjust as we go : \
Recap
Tim made some career strides this month starting with more promising job opportunities and ending with his new job at the CME. Unfortunately, what we thought was the best-case-scenario, a job at the CME, wasn't as good as we hoped - as with many of our hopes. He's getting paid less than he did when he was an intern there in 2003 and it's only part-time. On the bright side, it is not sales, they pay for school immediately and it is a gigantic company. But we are in for a very very long journey before we're even near I'd been hoping to have when we got married.
Marriage Epiphany
Rolling with the punches.
A year ago, I thought we'd be house/townhouse shopping by now. Heck, I even thought there was a chance we'd be talking babies! But the past 3 months have thrown us for a loop and now we're on a different path.
So now what? We need to find things to replace what we are lacking. We aren't house shopping - so instead let's career shop! I am taking a Meeting & Event Planner course at Harper College and Tim will be looking into Master's programs - enrolling most likely in the 2nd semester.
I guess you could call it a distraction, but these positive efforts are more like filling the space available in our "dream cabinet." Life is always a little more exciting when there's something to look forward to.
Margarita Slush
-8 C water
-1 1/2 C sugar
Heat in large pot and dissolve. Let cool.
-12 oz can frozen lemonade
-12 oz can frozen limeade
-1 1/2 C tequila
-1 C triple sec
Mix together and freeze.
Serve in margarita glasses!
Will You Go Out With Me?
La Magdalena and then went to see Pineapple Express for Tim's birthday.
That's Hilarious
Katie saying she wanted to have sex with Tiger Woods on a bed of money - and Tim hearing it as bed of monkeys!
Good Talk
We've been discussing the reality of where recent events are taking us. With Tim getting the job at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange that is only part-time and not paying well, but wanting to go back to school that CME will pay for, we had to figure out what this means for us financially and for our marriage as a whole. It's still just a day at a time, so we'll have to adjust as we go : \
Recap
Tim made some career strides this month starting with more promising job opportunities and ending with his new job at the CME. Unfortunately, what we thought was the best-case-scenario, a job at the CME, wasn't as good as we hoped - as with many of our hopes. He's getting paid less than he did when he was an intern there in 2003 and it's only part-time. On the bright side, it is not sales, they pay for school immediately and it is a gigantic company. But we are in for a very very long journey before we're even near I'd been hoping to have when we got married.
Marriage Epiphany
Rolling with the punches.
A year ago, I thought we'd be house/townhouse shopping by now. Heck, I even thought there was a chance we'd be talking babies! But the past 3 months have thrown us for a loop and now we're on a different path.
So now what? We need to find things to replace what we are lacking. We aren't house shopping - so instead let's career shop! I am taking a Meeting & Event Planner course at Harper College and Tim will be looking into Master's programs - enrolling most likely in the 2nd semester.
I guess you could call it a distraction, but these positive efforts are more like filling the space available in our "dream cabinet." Life is always a little more exciting when there's something to look forward to.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
MONTH #8: June 18 - July 17, 2008
MoniKitchen
Hot 'N Spicy Corn Dip
-2C frozen corn, thawed and drained
-1 80z cream cheese
-1 Lg tomato, chopped (1 C)
-1 small jalapeno, finely chopped & seeded
-1 C shredded cheese
1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Mix all ingredients
3. Spread into 9" pie plate
4. Top with shredded cheese
4. Bake 20min until golden brown
Serve with RANCH or plain Wheat Thins!
Will You Go Out With Me?
Oh my God! I totally forgot about this effort! Since we had three date night in Month #7, it didn't cross my mind. We'll have to make up for it?
Good Talk
Tim didn't get anywhere near drunk over the 4th of July. I made sure not to "monitor" and it went well. A few days later we did talk about it. Basically that if I'm ok with it, I won't say anything - since it's status quo if there's no problems.
Recap
The month started with time apart, then some good and bad moments sprinkled throughout. We did a lot of activities and get togethers with many different people. Some progress but some fights that showed me it's over yet.
Marriage Epiphany
Patience! I'll admit, I don't have much. I want something, I want it now. I get an idea in my head and it needs to be put into action. I'm unhappy about something, it needs to change. I can't operate that way in a marriage, I'm realizing. I don't have control over another person. When it comes to the things I want in my life/marriage, I must learn patience. Many stars must align and time is necessary to get there.
Hot 'N Spicy Corn Dip
-2C frozen corn, thawed and drained
-1 80z cream cheese
-1 Lg tomato, chopped (1 C)
-1 small jalapeno, finely chopped & seeded
-1 C shredded cheese
1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Mix all ingredients
3. Spread into 9" pie plate
4. Top with shredded cheese
4. Bake 20min until golden brown
Serve with RANCH or plain Wheat Thins!
Will You Go Out With Me?
Oh my God! I totally forgot about this effort! Since we had three date night in Month #7, it didn't cross my mind. We'll have to make up for it?
Good Talk
Tim didn't get anywhere near drunk over the 4th of July. I made sure not to "monitor" and it went well. A few days later we did talk about it. Basically that if I'm ok with it, I won't say anything - since it's status quo if there's no problems.
Recap
The month started with time apart, then some good and bad moments sprinkled throughout. We did a lot of activities and get togethers with many different people. Some progress but some fights that showed me it's over yet.
Marriage Epiphany
Patience! I'll admit, I don't have much. I want something, I want it now. I get an idea in my head and it needs to be put into action. I'm unhappy about something, it needs to change. I can't operate that way in a marriage, I'm realizing. I don't have control over another person. When it comes to the things I want in my life/marriage, I must learn patience. Many stars must align and time is necessary to get there.
Monday, July 14, 2008
MONTH #7 continued...
Marriage Epiphany
Can you change the past by changing the future?
Even though the past is written in stone, and while sometimes the future can also seem unchangeable - it's not. The present can seem like a prison sentence - that you will be stuck in whatever path you're heading, but it doesn't have to be like that.
It will take work. I'm trying to get on board with this theory. After a month of "soul searching" and trying to problem-solve the problems in my mind, the past is the aspect of my marriage that is getting me down the most and leading our present circumstances to feel like a life sentence.
I am grasping at straws to find a way to get out of this rut. I can't just decide to be happy because that's just masking my emotions and they will certainly come back with a vengeance if I do not deal with them now. That's why it has taken me so long to get over this. I'm searching for a cure, not a treatment.
I'm starting to believe that if we can do things now to change our lives and get us on a new path, then that can help soothe the pain of the past.
My husband hasn't had the greatest of career paths in the past 4 years since he graduated college. So while he can't go back and get a different first job out of college that wasn't sales or have a different major that he would like to be using now vs. the one he's got that he can no longer use or want to use, by going back and getting an MBA in business/finance - can he change the future, stop the present from continuing by getting out of the unreliability of sales and into the finance field where he will be happier and hopefully more successful?
I've been regretting leaving Drum Corps International over 3 years ago now to get into the agency life, which now bores me. Money was 90% of the reason I left what was the best job I've had and what I'm realizing is what I really want to be doing with my life. But now my yellow pages/direct mail agency experience outweighs my event promotions and marketing experience from DCI, making it more and more difficult to get back into that field. However, in the past few months I've been volunteering for PACT Humane Society - doing grunt work of cleaning kitty cages :) nothing glamorous, but enjoyable nonetheless. Well, the management of the PACT Humane Society recently took notice of me and my professional qualities and officially as of yesterday I am now the Volunteer Coordinator for the Barrington Rd PetSmart. This is an all-volunteer organization so there will never be a job prospect out of this, but for now it is something on the side I can use my professional talents towards and be passionate about. And who knows, maybe someday I'll have this listed on my resume and it will be my ticket into the career I want!
So that was a long-winded update, but with these recent changes & plans, I'm trying to look at it that way. That instead of getting depressed over the past, I should be proactive and learn from the mistakes and find ways to make the future even better - instead of rolling over and allowing the past to have beaten me.
Can you change the past by changing the future?
Even though the past is written in stone, and while sometimes the future can also seem unchangeable - it's not. The present can seem like a prison sentence - that you will be stuck in whatever path you're heading, but it doesn't have to be like that.
It will take work. I'm trying to get on board with this theory. After a month of "soul searching" and trying to problem-solve the problems in my mind, the past is the aspect of my marriage that is getting me down the most and leading our present circumstances to feel like a life sentence.
I am grasping at straws to find a way to get out of this rut. I can't just decide to be happy because that's just masking my emotions and they will certainly come back with a vengeance if I do not deal with them now. That's why it has taken me so long to get over this. I'm searching for a cure, not a treatment.
I'm starting to believe that if we can do things now to change our lives and get us on a new path, then that can help soothe the pain of the past.
My husband hasn't had the greatest of career paths in the past 4 years since he graduated college. So while he can't go back and get a different first job out of college that wasn't sales or have a different major that he would like to be using now vs. the one he's got that he can no longer use or want to use, by going back and getting an MBA in business/finance - can he change the future, stop the present from continuing by getting out of the unreliability of sales and into the finance field where he will be happier and hopefully more successful?
I've been regretting leaving Drum Corps International over 3 years ago now to get into the agency life, which now bores me. Money was 90% of the reason I left what was the best job I've had and what I'm realizing is what I really want to be doing with my life. But now my yellow pages/direct mail agency experience outweighs my event promotions and marketing experience from DCI, making it more and more difficult to get back into that field. However, in the past few months I've been volunteering for PACT Humane Society - doing grunt work of cleaning kitty cages :) nothing glamorous, but enjoyable nonetheless. Well, the management of the PACT Humane Society recently took notice of me and my professional qualities and officially as of yesterday I am now the Volunteer Coordinator for the Barrington Rd PetSmart. This is an all-volunteer organization so there will never be a job prospect out of this, but for now it is something on the side I can use my professional talents towards and be passionate about. And who knows, maybe someday I'll have this listed on my resume and it will be my ticket into the career I want!
So that was a long-winded update, but with these recent changes & plans, I'm trying to look at it that way. That instead of getting depressed over the past, I should be proactive and learn from the mistakes and find ways to make the future even better - instead of rolling over and allowing the past to have beaten me.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Dreams...
I always have very vivid dreams and I've actually always enjoyed it and how well I remember them in the morning! Some are so vivid and realistic they stick with me for an entire day as I have to convince myself it was an actual dream.
Needless to say I have a very developed unconscious psyche. Normally only I can dissect my dreams as they are specific to my life. I dream of being back in drum corps, while engaged I dreamt of my wedding day - both with weird random mishaps occuring that usually turned out to just be a funny way showing my stress.
I rarely have the drowning or naked in school or falling dreams that you can google definitions for...Until the past week or two. At first when I had the following dream I didn't think much of it until this morning when it occurred to me that this same dream scene has occured in at least 3 of my dreams in the past week. Typically I am having another dream (random non-descript, one was a drum corps dream) and then this scene pops in.
The dream goes like this:
I'm driving at night down a parkway - with trees/park on either side [Milwaukeeans, imagine something like the Root River Parkway]. There is always a large amount of traffic too and intersections.
What happens is that I am either driving fast and reckless - faster than I've ever driven in real life OR I fall asleep behind the wheel OR I'm just completely not paying attention and not looking straight ahead.
I end up having to swerve away from oncoming traffic and slam on my breaks which makes my car spin and skid out of control off the road. But in real life, I'd think the car would just tip over or stop once it was on grass- but mine doesn't. I continue to skid sideways having absolutely no control over the car and I am just bracing myself for a crash or something. But I don't really know how it ends. I dont' know if I can't remember the end, or my dream doesn't have an end. It's always as if I'm about to go into a river or off a cliff --but I don't see said river or cliff, it's just that is what I'm bracing myself for.
Pretty intense, right? Well, this morning I decided to google it since I thought it might fall into the "typical dream" definitions. And here's what I found.....WOW.
Are you dreaming about an out of control car, a car crash, a car wreck or other similar topic? Here is what it means.
Cars are vehicles that you normally should have control over. They're not like a plane or train, where someone with years of training and education is in control of. Cars are normal vehicles that you should be able to drive yourself, that you use every day to get your normal life tasks done. For that reason, a car very much represents your life in a dream. It represents your normal day to day activities, the way that your life is progressing.
If you dream that YOU are driving that car and are losing control or have an accident, it means that you don't like the way your life is turning out. You wish that you were making wiser choices, that you were better able to deal with the normal traumas life is throwing at you. You need to find the strength to grab that wheel and handle the turns and slippery situations.
Projecting car accident and partially your fault symbolize some blame conscience you have. You may be feeling low in self confidence. That accident may also indicate you have made some bad choice in life and you are blaming yourself. It is all about your guilt conscience you have in reality.
That is 100% on the nose. And it is scary that I could be so textbook. I guess ya never really feel anything or go through something someone else hasn't already felt or gone through. Maybe it shouldn't be such a lonely feeling....
Needless to say I have a very developed unconscious psyche. Normally only I can dissect my dreams as they are specific to my life. I dream of being back in drum corps, while engaged I dreamt of my wedding day - both with weird random mishaps occuring that usually turned out to just be a funny way showing my stress.
I rarely have the drowning or naked in school or falling dreams that you can google definitions for...Until the past week or two. At first when I had the following dream I didn't think much of it until this morning when it occurred to me that this same dream scene has occured in at least 3 of my dreams in the past week. Typically I am having another dream (random non-descript, one was a drum corps dream) and then this scene pops in.
The dream goes like this:
I'm driving at night down a parkway - with trees/park on either side [Milwaukeeans, imagine something like the Root River Parkway]. There is always a large amount of traffic too and intersections.
What happens is that I am either driving fast and reckless - faster than I've ever driven in real life OR I fall asleep behind the wheel OR I'm just completely not paying attention and not looking straight ahead.
I end up having to swerve away from oncoming traffic and slam on my breaks which makes my car spin and skid out of control off the road. But in real life, I'd think the car would just tip over or stop once it was on grass- but mine doesn't. I continue to skid sideways having absolutely no control over the car and I am just bracing myself for a crash or something. But I don't really know how it ends. I dont' know if I can't remember the end, or my dream doesn't have an end. It's always as if I'm about to go into a river or off a cliff --but I don't see said river or cliff, it's just that is what I'm bracing myself for.
Pretty intense, right? Well, this morning I decided to google it since I thought it might fall into the "typical dream" definitions. And here's what I found.....WOW.
Are you dreaming about an out of control car, a car crash, a car wreck or other similar topic? Here is what it means.
Cars are vehicles that you normally should have control over. They're not like a plane or train, where someone with years of training and education is in control of. Cars are normal vehicles that you should be able to drive yourself, that you use every day to get your normal life tasks done. For that reason, a car very much represents your life in a dream. It represents your normal day to day activities, the way that your life is progressing.
If you dream that YOU are driving that car and are losing control or have an accident, it means that you don't like the way your life is turning out. You wish that you were making wiser choices, that you were better able to deal with the normal traumas life is throwing at you. You need to find the strength to grab that wheel and handle the turns and slippery situations.
Projecting car accident and partially your fault symbolize some blame conscience you have. You may be feeling low in self confidence. That accident may also indicate you have made some bad choice in life and you are blaming yourself. It is all about your guilt conscience you have in reality.
That is 100% on the nose. And it is scary that I could be so textbook. I guess ya never really feel anything or go through something someone else hasn't already felt or gone through. Maybe it shouldn't be such a lonely feeling....
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
MONTH #6 continued...
Marriage Epiphany
This is something I guess I've always known about myself in my relationship with Tim. But it took until now to really take a step back and think about why I do this, and what it says about me and my feelings.
Whenever an issue arises with Tim, or something relationship-related gets me down, my mind automatically drifts back to the other big issues we've stumbled over in the past. Healthy or not - I'm not really sure.
It certainly doesn't make the issue at hand any easier to get through. On the positive side, I look at how we made it through issues before - and I reaffirm myself that "we can make it through anything."
I try to see what I didn't get out of the last problem-resolving process or what worked for me/us last time and I should continue to do.
This time, I've realized I need something I never thought I needed before - just me. Before when an issue would smack us in the face, I thought everything should be worked out together. Thoughts constantly shared and if I was feeling something - or had more thoughts on it days later, I wanted Tim to hear about it and help me feel better by answering whatever bothered me or just to get it off my chest.
But now, I just want to bury myself in my own thoughts until I'm over them on my own - and not just because I want to be, but because I truly am. I have no idea how long this will take. It's already been over an month! I realized in the five years we've been together - this is the most inconvenient time to need 'alone time'. But it's what I need and what I've never given myself. Now it's not like i'm ignoring Tim - we still carry on as normal at home - just at arm's length, and he is certainly walking on egg shells.
Some days I see a little light at the tunnel, of being able to see myself happy and feel happy. But the next day I'll think of something that just really aggravates me and I'm back to being unhappy. That's why the days I feel a little more optimistic - I'm not celebrating it, because I am aware two days later I could be right back in the clouds again. I don't want that yo-yo emotional journey. So when several days go by and I am consistently feeling optimistic and/or happy, then I will let my guard down and let Tim back in.
Right now it's just not the time yet.
Payback's a bitch...
This is something I guess I've always known about myself in my relationship with Tim. But it took until now to really take a step back and think about why I do this, and what it says about me and my feelings.
Whenever an issue arises with Tim, or something relationship-related gets me down, my mind automatically drifts back to the other big issues we've stumbled over in the past. Healthy or not - I'm not really sure.
It certainly doesn't make the issue at hand any easier to get through. On the positive side, I look at how we made it through issues before - and I reaffirm myself that "we can make it through anything."
I try to see what I didn't get out of the last problem-resolving process or what worked for me/us last time and I should continue to do.
This time, I've realized I need something I never thought I needed before - just me. Before when an issue would smack us in the face, I thought everything should be worked out together. Thoughts constantly shared and if I was feeling something - or had more thoughts on it days later, I wanted Tim to hear about it and help me feel better by answering whatever bothered me or just to get it off my chest.
But now, I just want to bury myself in my own thoughts until I'm over them on my own - and not just because I want to be, but because I truly am. I have no idea how long this will take. It's already been over an month! I realized in the five years we've been together - this is the most inconvenient time to need 'alone time'. But it's what I need and what I've never given myself. Now it's not like i'm ignoring Tim - we still carry on as normal at home - just at arm's length, and he is certainly walking on egg shells.
Some days I see a little light at the tunnel, of being able to see myself happy and feel happy. But the next day I'll think of something that just really aggravates me and I'm back to being unhappy. That's why the days I feel a little more optimistic - I'm not celebrating it, because I am aware two days later I could be right back in the clouds again. I don't want that yo-yo emotional journey. So when several days go by and I am consistently feeling optimistic and/or happy, then I will let my guard down and let Tim back in.
Right now it's just not the time yet.
Payback's a bitch...
Monday, April 28, 2008
Continued...MONTH #5: March 18, 2008 - April 17, 2008
Marriage Epiphany
This will probably end up sounding more like a personal or friendship (Katie) epiphany than a marriage one. But it's what's been on my mind lately - so I'm giving it a go!
The 'grass is greener' phenomenom...We've all heard of it and undoubtedly we've all experienced it from time to time.
Well, I've got it going on strong these days. My newly single friend, Katie, has had a very successful first few weeks as a single gal. She is confident that her break-up was a good decision and for the best. She's even found herself dating a new guy that is CRAZY about her!
This got me thinking of a few things...How she is stronger than I ever was when Tim & my relationship would get rough and I would consider ending it, but never could partly for the fear of being alone and having to start over after all the work I/we had put into it. Now, in reality, it was more the faith I had in us getting through pretty much anything together that would keep us together.
All's well that ends well, and I keep telling myself that as my mind has been drifting in the "what would have been" thinking. Sometimes I just can't help but think that I rolled over and took the beating for some of the hard times Tim & I had. (Metaphorical beating of course!) I do realize that is not the case, since I certainly always spoke my mind and didn't make anything easier on Tim.
But I don't feel that Tim ever suffered as much as I did. I am a power hungry and equality driven person so that is a tough pill for me to swallow.
The grass seems greener in Katie's yard because she's got this new guy who is crazy about her. Of course, she sees my "green grass" in that I have a man who loves me and will be spending his life with me, but let's face it - after nearly five years together, Tim is not at all *crazy* for me!
So I can't help but envy Katie in that I wonder if there'd be a guy out there who'd be crazy for me. Or wonder why Tim never WAS *crazy* for me. It took him a long time to have strong feelings for me...
Now of course, let's flip the table. I know Katie is at times envious that I am married and settled down making life plans. I'm sure if I were single right now, all I'd be thinking of is wanting to be in a serious relationship and settle down.
I guess you could say I'm experiencing the post-wedding jitters - not in the matter of marrying Tim, but just in *being* married. I've been having such strong flashbacks to high school, college, drum corps and the beginning months of Tim & my relationship.
What this has all made me think about is that while I may sometimes want what I am past being able to have anymore, I will always stand by my decision to be where I am today - married to Tim. I wanted it for a long time before it happened, and even way back 5 years ago I was "done" with the single life and looking forward to a real relationship, and it just so happened!
Just as I'm sure once we have children - we'll be sick with envy of our childless friends, even though *now I am envious of our friends/family with children!
This will probably end up sounding more like a personal or friendship (Katie) epiphany than a marriage one. But it's what's been on my mind lately - so I'm giving it a go!
The 'grass is greener' phenomenom...We've all heard of it and undoubtedly we've all experienced it from time to time.
Well, I've got it going on strong these days. My newly single friend, Katie, has had a very successful first few weeks as a single gal. She is confident that her break-up was a good decision and for the best. She's even found herself dating a new guy that is CRAZY about her!
This got me thinking of a few things...How she is stronger than I ever was when Tim & my relationship would get rough and I would consider ending it, but never could partly for the fear of being alone and having to start over after all the work I/we had put into it. Now, in reality, it was more the faith I had in us getting through pretty much anything together that would keep us together.
All's well that ends well, and I keep telling myself that as my mind has been drifting in the "what would have been" thinking. Sometimes I just can't help but think that I rolled over and took the beating for some of the hard times Tim & I had. (Metaphorical beating of course!) I do realize that is not the case, since I certainly always spoke my mind and didn't make anything easier on Tim.
But I don't feel that Tim ever suffered as much as I did. I am a power hungry and equality driven person so that is a tough pill for me to swallow.
The grass seems greener in Katie's yard because she's got this new guy who is crazy about her. Of course, she sees my "green grass" in that I have a man who loves me and will be spending his life with me, but let's face it - after nearly five years together, Tim is not at all *crazy* for me!
So I can't help but envy Katie in that I wonder if there'd be a guy out there who'd be crazy for me. Or wonder why Tim never WAS *crazy* for me. It took him a long time to have strong feelings for me...
Now of course, let's flip the table. I know Katie is at times envious that I am married and settled down making life plans. I'm sure if I were single right now, all I'd be thinking of is wanting to be in a serious relationship and settle down.
I guess you could say I'm experiencing the post-wedding jitters - not in the matter of marrying Tim, but just in *being* married. I've been having such strong flashbacks to high school, college, drum corps and the beginning months of Tim & my relationship.
What this has all made me think about is that while I may sometimes want what I am past being able to have anymore, I will always stand by my decision to be where I am today - married to Tim. I wanted it for a long time before it happened, and even way back 5 years ago I was "done" with the single life and looking forward to a real relationship, and it just so happened!
Just as I'm sure once we have children - we'll be sick with envy of our childless friends, even though *now I am envious of our friends/family with children!
Monday, February 25, 2008
MONTH #3: January 17 - February 17, 2008, Continued...
Recap
Our third month of marriage was pretty much the most social month we've ever had as a couple!
We hosted a Superbowl Party, a Game Night with Tim's family, a Katie-visit weekend, hung out with new people, went on a road trip to Iowa and even a random night out in Milwaukee with Katie following our Louis C.K. show!
Marriage Epiphany
In the great marriage debate, some of the popular arguments coming from the nay-sayers are:
"It's only a piece of paper" or
"What's going to change once there are rings on our fingers?"
And believe me, I see the point behind these arguments. In the months I was getting antsy to get that ring on my finger, I would think of those arguments to not fret so much about it.
But, now I see, marriage IS so much more than that.
Tim and I owned our condo together for over a year before we got married, so while we were bound by that already, we are still so much more bound now!
First, before 11/17/07 Tim & I could "break up." That's it - divide our things, sell the condo. But now we would have to get Divorced. Just the sound of it sounds SO much more intense. Heck, we need lawyers just to do it!! You don't need that when you break up!
Second, while before November 17, Tim was "like family" to mine and I to his...but, we weren't family. We have official family titles now - son and daughter-in-law, brother and sister-in-law! That certainly changes the perspective from my brother saying "my sister's boyfriend" - which gives a level of disconnect.
Thirdly, the whole "why do we need rings to prove our love?" argument is dramatic. But in a way, it's true! Before we were engaged, I could live life without anyone knowing of Tim, unless I talked about him. Even if we're out together, there's no telltale sign to distinguish between it being our first date versus our 200th! But now, my name has changed and everywhere we go, people see the rings on our fingers. We are now and forever known as married!
Lastly, and this is really the largest chunk of my epiphany, is the investment our friends and family and, heck, even our vendors made in our wedding! Besides the assumed "obligation" our close friends and family may have felt they had to be at our wedding, it's pretty safe to say that everyone who attended our wedding believed in our relationship to at least some degree. Even for our friends and family who didn't know both of us, they still believed in whichever one of us they knew - that we were making a huge commitment and that our love was now official. Our wedding day was one of the biggest and most important days of our lives, if not THE biggest! Because come what may - children, new homes, new trips, new memories - will all be a result of our wedding day.
But getting back to the "investment." Even on the smaller scale, when I think about everything that had to come together for our wedding - all the different hands in the pot, if you will, it really makes me realize that our wedding was truly an investment!!!
-We spent 2 hours with Father Chuck a few months before the wedding so he could get to know us and our story, and he spent God only knows ; ) how much time, thought and consideration into that great homily he gave!
-The church choir, cantor and string quartet performed the gorgeous wedding music, providing the setting and soundtrack for the pinnacle of our wedding day
-The photographers spent 12 hours following us around, posing us and capturing the special, funny and beautiful moments of our wedding day and the artistic hours they will spend designing our wedding album will tell that story
-The DJ's entertained our guests, continued to tell our story with the songs they played and made the last hours of our wedding day as memorable as the first!
-My hair was styled ever so meticulously and my make-up applied to transition me from my last moments of Monica Simon to my first day as Mrs. Monica O'Neill, as beautiful as I could ever be.
-The cake, flowers and reception hall were all prepared with a wedding in mind - that they were integral pieces necessary to make our wedding complete.
And that's not even the half of it!!!
Our families spent great amounts of time and money hosting parties and showers for us and helping with many aspects of our wedding planning.
Our bridal party spent time and money to plan and attend our bachelor/bachelorette trips on top of the guys getting their tuxes fitted and ordered and the gals doing the same for their dresses plus their hair!
While the bridesmaid dresses will most likely hang in the back of a closet for years to come, as long as Tim & I remain a happy couple and have a healthy marriage, when Katie, my sister, Lorie, Chelsea, Tina & Michelle and even the girls - Paige, Taylor and Isabella, catch a glimpse of that dress stuffed in the back corner of that closet from time to time, they'll at least know it stood for something.
And for now and forever, Tim & I and our families will look at our wedding pictures, seeing my fancy thousand-dollar Oleg Cassini gown, my hair and make-up that took over 2hrs to complete, the bridesmaid dresses I made my friends wear, the tuxes Tim wore and made his friends wear, the children in our wedding party who only stayed that age for what seemed like a blink of an eye, the flowers the florist at Alpha flowers worked hard to assemble, the cheesecake the baker in West Allis assembled and delivered oh-so carefully, the Domes in the background of our magnificent wedding portraits, and the Radisson reception hall that was set up exactly as requested...and remember that Saturday November 17, 2007 was a joyous, romantic, sentimental day and one hell of a party!!!
And someday, when our children look at our wedding pictures...we will still say the same thing...and I'm betting we'll still feel that way.
Our third month of marriage was pretty much the most social month we've ever had as a couple!
We hosted a Superbowl Party, a Game Night with Tim's family, a Katie-visit weekend, hung out with new people, went on a road trip to Iowa and even a random night out in Milwaukee with Katie following our Louis C.K. show!
Marriage Epiphany
In the great marriage debate, some of the popular arguments coming from the nay-sayers are:
"It's only a piece of paper" or
"What's going to change once there are rings on our fingers?"
And believe me, I see the point behind these arguments. In the months I was getting antsy to get that ring on my finger, I would think of those arguments to not fret so much about it.
But, now I see, marriage IS so much more than that.
Tim and I owned our condo together for over a year before we got married, so while we were bound by that already, we are still so much more bound now!
First, before 11/17/07 Tim & I could "break up." That's it - divide our things, sell the condo. But now we would have to get Divorced. Just the sound of it sounds SO much more intense. Heck, we need lawyers just to do it!! You don't need that when you break up!
Second, while before November 17, Tim was "like family" to mine and I to his...but, we weren't family. We have official family titles now - son and daughter-in-law, brother and sister-in-law! That certainly changes the perspective from my brother saying "my sister's boyfriend" - which gives a level of disconnect.
Thirdly, the whole "why do we need rings to prove our love?" argument is dramatic. But in a way, it's true! Before we were engaged, I could live life without anyone knowing of Tim, unless I talked about him. Even if we're out together, there's no telltale sign to distinguish between it being our first date versus our 200th! But now, my name has changed and everywhere we go, people see the rings on our fingers. We are now and forever known as married!
Lastly, and this is really the largest chunk of my epiphany, is the investment our friends and family and, heck, even our vendors made in our wedding! Besides the assumed "obligation" our close friends and family may have felt they had to be at our wedding, it's pretty safe to say that everyone who attended our wedding believed in our relationship to at least some degree. Even for our friends and family who didn't know both of us, they still believed in whichever one of us they knew - that we were making a huge commitment and that our love was now official. Our wedding day was one of the biggest and most important days of our lives, if not THE biggest! Because come what may - children, new homes, new trips, new memories - will all be a result of our wedding day.
But getting back to the "investment." Even on the smaller scale, when I think about everything that had to come together for our wedding - all the different hands in the pot, if you will, it really makes me realize that our wedding was truly an investment!!!
-We spent 2 hours with Father Chuck a few months before the wedding so he could get to know us and our story, and he spent God only knows ; ) how much time, thought and consideration into that great homily he gave!
-The church choir, cantor and string quartet performed the gorgeous wedding music, providing the setting and soundtrack for the pinnacle of our wedding day
-The photographers spent 12 hours following us around, posing us and capturing the special, funny and beautiful moments of our wedding day and the artistic hours they will spend designing our wedding album will tell that story
-The DJ's entertained our guests, continued to tell our story with the songs they played and made the last hours of our wedding day as memorable as the first!
-My hair was styled ever so meticulously and my make-up applied to transition me from my last moments of Monica Simon to my first day as Mrs. Monica O'Neill, as beautiful as I could ever be.
-The cake, flowers and reception hall were all prepared with a wedding in mind - that they were integral pieces necessary to make our wedding complete.
And that's not even the half of it!!!
Our families spent great amounts of time and money hosting parties and showers for us and helping with many aspects of our wedding planning.
Our bridal party spent time and money to plan and attend our bachelor/bachelorette trips on top of the guys getting their tuxes fitted and ordered and the gals doing the same for their dresses plus their hair!
While the bridesmaid dresses will most likely hang in the back of a closet for years to come, as long as Tim & I remain a happy couple and have a healthy marriage, when Katie, my sister, Lorie, Chelsea, Tina & Michelle and even the girls - Paige, Taylor and Isabella, catch a glimpse of that dress stuffed in the back corner of that closet from time to time, they'll at least know it stood for something.
And for now and forever, Tim & I and our families will look at our wedding pictures, seeing my fancy thousand-dollar Oleg Cassini gown, my hair and make-up that took over 2hrs to complete, the bridesmaid dresses I made my friends wear, the tuxes Tim wore and made his friends wear, the children in our wedding party who only stayed that age for what seemed like a blink of an eye, the flowers the florist at Alpha flowers worked hard to assemble, the cheesecake the baker in West Allis assembled and delivered oh-so carefully, the Domes in the background of our magnificent wedding portraits, and the Radisson reception hall that was set up exactly as requested...and remember that Saturday November 17, 2007 was a joyous, romantic, sentimental day and one hell of a party!!!
And someday, when our children look at our wedding pictures...we will still say the same thing...and I'm betting we'll still feel that way.
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