Marriage Epiphany
This is something I guess I've always known about myself in my relationship with Tim. But it took until now to really take a step back and think about why I do this, and what it says about me and my feelings.
Whenever an issue arises with Tim, or something relationship-related gets me down, my mind automatically drifts back to the other big issues we've stumbled over in the past. Healthy or not - I'm not really sure.
It certainly doesn't make the issue at hand any easier to get through. On the positive side, I look at how we made it through issues before - and I reaffirm myself that "we can make it through anything."
I try to see what I didn't get out of the last problem-resolving process or what worked for me/us last time and I should continue to do.
This time, I've realized I need something I never thought I needed before - just me. Before when an issue would smack us in the face, I thought everything should be worked out together. Thoughts constantly shared and if I was feeling something - or had more thoughts on it days later, I wanted Tim to hear about it and help me feel better by answering whatever bothered me or just to get it off my chest.
But now, I just want to bury myself in my own thoughts until I'm over them on my own - and not just because I want to be, but because I truly am. I have no idea how long this will take. It's already been over an month! I realized in the five years we've been together - this is the most inconvenient time to need 'alone time'. But it's what I need and what I've never given myself. Now it's not like i'm ignoring Tim - we still carry on as normal at home - just at arm's length, and he is certainly walking on egg shells.
Some days I see a little light at the tunnel, of being able to see myself happy and feel happy. But the next day I'll think of something that just really aggravates me and I'm back to being unhappy. That's why the days I feel a little more optimistic - I'm not celebrating it, because I am aware two days later I could be right back in the clouds again. I don't want that yo-yo emotional journey. So when several days go by and I am consistently feeling optimistic and/or happy, then I will let my guard down and let Tim back in.
Right now it's just not the time yet.
Payback's a bitch...
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1 comment:
Man both of these last posts were real doozies! But as for this first one, hey, you're being honest with yourself. And maybe for the first time in this relationship. But better late than never, I always say. Sure it's a little inconvenient. And maybe things would've turned out differently had you done this sooner. But you're on this path now, and the best you can do is clean it up a bit. You may end up cleaning for a few miles and then have to walk all the way back to the beginning. But at least then the path will be easier and prettier.
Don't be afraid to let Tim in a little though. By nature I think we are not 100% emotionally self-sufficient. We need someone else. Especially when times are tough. At the same time though, Tim needs you too, and it isn't going to do anyone any good to have a broken you.
I think you're making progress. At least it's a touch, a TOUCH better than it was a month ago. Faith :)
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